This will be the first blog post where I describe in detail the conversation I had with God that got me to my newest revelation. I know that those who know me well don't doubt or judge me because they now how long I've been like this, (having actual back and forth conversations with God) ; however, I realize that some people will find this slightly strange. All I can say to those people is that this doesn't have anything to do with me, I've just learned to hear God's voice and he really is a very involved and present God in my life and he really does talk back. I'll put my prayers and his responses in italics because his voice isn't audible, at least not in these times.
While driving the other day I caught myself imagining something terrible happening to me and Josh (my X) being driven to repentance because of it. I imagined, what if I just got hit by that truck and my kids were fine but I died? He'd have to take care of these babies, he'd need his parent's help, and he'd really be pushed into reality. Maybe it'd be worth it for my girls to have a father who is reconciled to God? ...No...no,no, no! I could never leave my girls! They need me and I need them. So I asked the Lord, God, why do I always think like that?! That's just awful! He said, because you know the power of sacrificial love, but Karen, you don't need to be crucified, I already did that. It's my love that leads a man to repentance. Would you want your daughters to die just to change someone else's spiritual future? I responded, no, I would take the bullet for them! And God said, exactly, I already took the bullet for you and for him. I don't want you to. That's what makes you a princess. Do you realize this concept plays a part in your love-life? I prayed, no, what do you mean? And then God really opened the blinds, all your life you have been looking for someone who knows me like you know me because it gives you security, but because you haven't been aware of the fact that you are a princess and a daughter of mine, you have put a priority on security far and above love. Don't you know I actually want you to be happy just as much as you want to serve me with your partner? I was blown away, wow God, I am so blessed by that.
What an amazing revelation. I have been looking for someone who can prove to me a strength in their relationship with God, which is still the most important thing, but it has become at the cost of love for me, which is totally unnecessary. I was actually putting love so far down the priority list because security was taken up all the room, that I was starting to forget about it! God was showing me that I can have someone who is totally purposed to live a life that gives him glory, but it is totally possible for us to be in love also. I don't have to settle for someone I don't love because I feel security in their faith; rather, I can have both love and faith. What a total blessing it is to know that God wants me to be blessed and happy and in love. Like he said, as much as I want to serve him, he actually wants to bless me because he loves me. And his love for his bride (the church) is an example of a passionate, miraculous, long-lasting, love and it is available for us to experience with our spouse here on earth. Thank you Jesus!
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