In early 2012, I asked my counselor what he thought of my close relationship with my soon to be ex In-laws. He said he thought it was really cool, but in his experience it would diminish as time goes on; As you become more of your own person, and especially if any parenting disagreements come up. I tried to imagine the what-ifs, but I couldn't foresee any disagreements outweighing the love we had for each other. And after spending five years as part of their lives, I figured wouldn't something like that have come up if was going to by now? So I continued to invest in the relationship I had with my ex's parents.
If you're already thinking, wow this is a weird agenda for all of you to maintain that kind of relationship, I'll explain. My dad was not involved in my life. My father in law is the only dad I've really had-had. And he is, hands-down, the most incredible father anyone could ever have. He is a sprit-filled warrior for God and will carry the heavy weight that only a Godly man knows how to carry for his family. And then there's Janele. I love my own mom, but my mother in law is so different and I learned more mothering tools from her then anyone or anything else. When I was married, we called them our best friends. No joke, we wanted to be just like them. When we bought our house I told them, it is because we want to love people like you love people that God has given us this house to do so. So before everything got really intense from the divorce, it was pretty amazing.
I was in the hospital that November of 2012 for appendicitis and had just learned that I would need surgery for the first time in my life. I was completely terrified. Even when I went to get the MRI I was on the verge of tears and shaking because I was so scared. The divorce was final by this point so the best description of each other we could think of was not in laws but "in loves." So my "father in love" (Brad) came into the room as my doctor started to describe what to expect medically. He could probably sense my fear and asked me, "who do you rely on when something is scary?" I responded, "this guy and that guy." I pointed up towards heaven and over towards Brad. It turned out the doctor was a Christian too and both men prayed over me. I would never have made it through that experience if it wasn't for him being there. There is not one person on earth who could have filled that role for me. As far as I was concerned, he HAD to be there and I didn't want anyone else. So the doctor and all the nurses we encountered that day got to hear the crazy story about how I was accompanied by not my father, not my grandfather, not my brother, not my father in law, but my ex husband's dad. We got such a kick out of their reactions and explaining to them the power of God's love working through all of us. But I distinctly remember coming out of anesthesia and muttering the first and only thing I could get out, "where's my dad?"
Throughout the divorce drama there was a lot more then simply "investing" in the relationship going on. Things got a lot more dramatic then I ever expected and It was not easy to always see my in laws as loving towards me. We all continued to try and just love each other through the mess. This began to build something stronger then we had before, but it came with such a high price for all of us. There was so much emotion and sensitivity coming from all different directions, yet trying to make life-changing decisions at the same time. It was like choosing to build a frozen yogurt store in the middle of an active volcano and knowing nothing about frozen yogurt or active volcanos. Sometimes it was because I took out my pain on them, sometimes it was because I misunderstood love towards their son as disrespect towards me, and sometimes it was because they were trying to navigate a completely unprecedented complication of the highest degree by loving me and loving my ex at the same time. In such a complicated mess, I became fearful that their intentions weren't to love me as sincerely as I'd thought. I carried hurt and fear from that so in January of 2013 I decided to step away and put some limitations on the relationship and distance between us.
I spent the next 9 months trying to figure out what the right relationship looked like. In a way this was a good time for me. I was able to be real about what I was really feeling and chose to protect myself. I had lost my voice while fighting for my marriage as my ex rejected me and felt really unprotected because of that. So I spent a lot of that time finding myself again. But I remained uncovered by a Godly father figure and thus unprotected still. So while finding my strengths, I also found all my lingering weaknesses still hanging around. During this time they respected my need for distance and continued to express how much they still loved me. I could see how much it hurt them for me to step away, and that was the worst part. But I couldn't forgo the best form of protection I felt I had, not even for my immense love for them and not even because I so HATED to hurt them.
Periodically as things would come up, we could still get together and try to hash all the hurt out. I needed to be able to be heard, really be heard. And they listened. And we prayed and cried and prayed and cried...and repeated that ...a LOT. Even in the middle of their injustice as they held out their hands and I pushed them away. I couldn't get back the moments that hurt me and they couldn't undo what was done. So I just took the time to grieve so I could trust again. As time went on, I began to realize it isn't time that builds trust when there's already been time invested, it just takes faith. Trust is staring at your mountain and choosing not to be afraid, but faith is choosing to climb up once again, even though you fell before.
So here I am, early 2014 and things are looking very different. There has been restoration not just with my "in loves" but also with my ex and even my ex and his wife. God has a lot more up his sleeve and I'm ready for it. I'm ready to get more kicks out of it. And I'm excited to see how The Lord will continue to teach me the value in family by choice and blood by tears.
