Thank God for Self-Awareness

I was not expecting to get this revelation today! I am working on a few self-awareness issues right now and It was like I made one decision of obedience towards God recently, and all of this was waiting right around the corner for me.

 

I don’t consider myself to be someone with Daddy issues. I don’t have any resentment towards him or feel sad ever by things that happened in my childhood. So I was confused at the proposal that I was still making up for issues with him in my dating life. However, it became undeniable when I found myself repeating the same thing that happened with my ex-husband. And in the book I am going through with my connect group, we are learning about your limbic system and how it is developed and planted in childhood. I could now see how issues from my childhood could be playing a subconscious role.

I began to dig and dig and ask God over and over to take me down this road. I was also confused because I couldn’t figure out why I both wanted to protect myself as well as find someone who would be quick to go “deep” in connection. It felt like I had two opposing forces both doing opposite things but trying to reach the same goal; finding love. Nevertheless, I continued to ask God. And so he told me:

My source of fear being abandonment was created by the memory of my father not being there, my adaptation was to find someone who would be too close. Someone who I subconsciously figured wouldn’t leave because they revered me as heavenly. The problem with that is men who put me on a pedestal are by default indulgent. That kind of person is more likely to be deceptive also and/or disregard godly boundaries in the way they treat me. My other source of fear was betrayal. This was created by the memories of my father being a pathological liar. Because I have that underlying fear, I would still try and protect myself by being secretively judgmental. “But out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks…” and so I am historically condemned to be too critical or jump to conclusions. So that’s where I’ve been; too protective of myself to believe the best in someone or be at peace trusting God is protecting me. I was in that downward spiral not only because I have been fearful of betrayal but also because I have been habitually drawn to people of passion of whom I will discern deception. An absolute double-edged sword!

What freedom it is to be aware of this finally. Now I will break off the chains of fear of betrayal and fear of abandonment. Thank you Jesus for carrying all of this and more for me.

Birthing the Generations

"They said the baby stopped breathing, I mean she started breathing before they got her out, but she stopped breathing so they had to take her out," a mother's explanation for why she had a C section on an episode of MTV's 16 and Pregnant. The baby stopped breathing? Really? So obviously I get that this is what the hospital staff told her to quickly get on her level. They meant that the baby's heart rate dropped and so looked in distress, but they found that her heart rate went back up, yet took her out via cesarean anyways. They must have known to do this because she went in the hospital with labor pains that weren't considered active labor and she was only 38 weeks pregnant, but all they had to say was, "I think we should go ahead and have this baby today," and she unknowingly agreed to a snowball of interventions. And here's the thing that really ticked me off, her mother was with her the whole time!

Doulas know, birth has not been a topic of major focus between women and girls for generations. This has GOT to change. We are vessels for miracles and generally speaking, we don't even know how it works! So I decided to do my own personally exploration of why this is.
I started with my mother, (whom by the way birthed 5 children, none of which came with an epidural). "Mom, why didn't you tell me what is was like to give birth?" my mom's response, "well you never asked." Okay, true...I'll take some responsibility, but why didn't I ask? Before I had my first I went to an OBGYN and I asked her what I needed to do to have a natural birth. She told me it was really difficult but I could do it with much preparation. So I figured, Okay, preparation, I'll read my book What to Expect When Expecting and I'll watch A Baby Story on TV. Needless to say, that was NOT the preparation I needed. With my next child I knew what to expect from experience. I knew that Pitocin was NOT going to happen, no way, I wouldn't allow that again. I also knew that I needed a constant source of close, connected, knowledgeable support, which I now knew was NOT a nurse but a Doula. So I considered the fact that I was a product of the current culture, using popular media for information. Then I went back to my mom, "Okay mom, If I had asked, what would you have said?" she responded, "You're not in labor until you can't do ANYTHING else but focus on your breathing." The most simplest and powerful labor-truth I could tell anyone, she just told me...after I had my kids. "Mom, our OBs and Midwives are telling pregnant women that they're in labor when they have a certain number of contractions in a certain amount of time." she repeated, "No, you have to distract yourself until you just cant anymore." And then I asked, "Mom if I told you I wanted an unmedicated birth what would you have told me?" her simple truth, "you have to breathe." So our mothers know! But we're just not talking about it with them.

Then I dug deeper wondering if it was just my generation who was too distracted by media to go straight to the source. "Mom did you ask your mother how to give birth?" she answered, "No, I went to Lamaze class because someone suggested it." Okay, so my mom educated herself in a good way, she just didn't rely on other women, per say. Maybe the media-issue was selective. So then I went to my grandmother.

"Grandma, did you ask your mom how to give birth?" she answered, "No, I thought birth was fast and easy because it just so happened that that's how I was born. Little did I know my water would break first with no labor pains and I would end up needing drugs." WHAT?! My grandmother's first birth was the same as my first birth! She went on, "I thought when your water breaks you go right in, but when I got there they laughed at me saying, 'your not really in labor'." Unbelievable, I thought. I shared my story about how I got to the hospital thinking the same thing with my first and they laughed at me saying it wasn't really my water...only to see later that it was more of my water all over their floor. So she explained that with her second, she had figured out from experience she had to learn how to do the breathing. The funny thing is, her "second," was really, unknowingly then, her second and third! She had twins vaginally and totally drug free. Now it became clear, if we were sharing our birth stories throughout the generations...and not just one generation...we would be totally preparing our daughters and granddaughters for birth.

Now it started to become clear that young women today look to the media because there is a long history of not getting what they need from having those conversations with their birthing warrior predecessors. So I picked at the issue more with my grandma, "Did your mom talk about it with her mom?" she laughed, "Of course not, you just don't talk about that sort of thing." She thought about it for a moment and went on, "well If I had asked my mother and she had asked her mother I'm sure they both would have shared, but I didn't ask and I'm sure she didn't ask either." So I tried to clarify, "So grandma, was it more of an issue of modesty? Or an issue of lack of relationship?" She answered, "the relationship." My grandma's mother was a flapper in the 20s. She was a little disconnected from motherhood and womanhood, (pretty telling of the feminist times). And so my grandma did not have the open-trusting relationship with her mom which she did need.

Now I'm looking at our American history. I'm seeing that there was something about the 1920s that inspired women to really begin to change their roles. And there was something before that which had to have played some kind of part in their desire to do such. They were already not getting what they needed from their mothers. I'm sure if I looked a little closer in history, not being able to ask my great great grandmother, I would find those answers. But the point is not to point fingers. The point is IT'S TIME TO CHANGE. We have to be able to maintain a relationship with our daughters that inspires the conversations about birth. Otherwise, if it continues the way it is now, it is no longer us women who birth the generations. It is a pair of hands under surgical knives telling us our bodies are not capable of doing it.

I loved reading this encouraging perspective by a Doula Hero in our community
http://rosiedoula.blogspot.com/2012/10/a-birth-revolution.html?m=1

CLOSURE

I wish I could write even more openly then I already do in order to emphasize my point. I struggle with trying to protect others who are affected by my divorce and still giving God glory by describing what he's done in making something so bad a good, (if not better) thing. I'll do my best to use my life to help others, but if I don't anticipate all ripple effects of that, I apologize in advance. The thing to remember is that this life is really not about our own little lives, but about a God who is so great and high above yet he actually cares about each and every individual little life.

Recently I had one of those nights of wrestling with God that eventually ended up in a new revelation that made it even easier to really let things go. I think the hardest thing for me wasn't forgiveness, but closure. However, God said to me, "Karen, making the confusion of what Josh has done your problem is literally undoing the covering I have over you. It's taking yourself and your girls out of the place of protection that I have you." Even though I wasn't getting the reconciliation I needed, I realized I needed to live in safety and peace without understanding, clarity, or closure. It's been a pattern of mine to forfeit safety or peace for clarity. That revelation took me to a much higher level of emotional freedom. It was like my wings were tied by myself, I trusted God to untie them, and now I'm flying in happiness that myself and my girls are safe and have peace. I thought this was the highest point of healing I could possibly reach, but just when I thought I had all I needed, God gave me more.

The closure that I got was totally on accident. I wasn't looking for this piece of closure for myself regarding the divorce anymore. It actually came out while looking for reconciliation for something else. Josh and I were discussing how we could get to a better place working together as co-parents. I was explaining that we needed reconciliation when It came to his relationship with the girls. I couldn't be expected to completely trust him with their protection if there was no reconciliation with what has been done that has hurt them. To make a long story short, It came out quickly and kind of in passing that Josh heard something (from someone he looks to as a spiritual authority) that he translated as reason to file for divorce. It wasn't something that I would interpret as reason, and if interpreted that way it wouldn't even really line up with biblical truths. Yet it totally clicked in my head and gave me so much clarity, understanding and closure. So even if I described what It was, you (the reader) would be so confused as to why I would be okay with that dynamic. So I'll explain.

I could accept what he interpreted as a reason to do something wrong because I had done the same thing years before. In fact, it was the words of the same person that went in my ears, got twisted to satisfy my physical and fleshy desires, and totally changed the course of my life. In fact, that path-determination happened while I was dating Josh and it was the reason my relationship with him continued when it should have ended. I know I'm being so vague, and I apologize if this is all really hard to follow. The point is, all this understanding fell into place because of the fact that I could have compassion for him doing something wrong because in some way I had technically done the same thing so long ago.

I should make it very clear that divorce is still wrong. God hates it. Children are deeply effected by it for the rest of their life. Yet on this earth where our free will can result in some extremely pivotal life changing experiences, God can STILL work with our lives to bring us where he wants us. We just have to let him take the wheal. Plus, God knew the beginning and the end of this part of my life and he knew what I needed to hear because of it. It's actually blowing my mind and how God does this. I can't wrap my head around how he plans good for us when he knows what choices we're going to make. Amazing, amazing, God is so good! And this is the last post I write that has anything to do with the past. Here we go God! NEW THING!

Becoming a Doula

Last night the words, "It's like the opposite of getting divorced," came out of my mouth at connect group in reference to how enjoyable this new journey is for me. My wonderful sisters all looked at me with smiles on their faces saying things like, "you were made for this," and "you're going to be a fantastic Doula." It meant the world to know that other people can see the same things I'm feeling; that this is me doing the right thing at the right time and God is so in it.

And man is God in it! I just got out of my Doula training on March 11th, that's 9 days ago, but already I have an interview with a mom tomorrow and another on Saturday. It absolutely FILLS my heart up with so much joy imagining being able to witness the miracle of birth for these women. I haven't even gone one night since class without dreaming about something to do with childbirth or my Doula role. I wake up excited about it, go throughout my day brainstorming what else I can do in preparation for these mommas, and lay down feeling at total peace about the future. And that is the opposite of getting divorced.

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy," Psalm 30:11. 
There is no one like God, no one who can turn something intended for so much pain and really work it out for the good like he does. I know that I had to mourn and deal and heal through what I've been through to get to a place like this. I know that Its taken so much perseverance, trust, and faith that God would pull me out of such a difficult place... but I'm telling you, it's him who deserves the highest praise. There's no "secret" to an abundant life, no complicated formula to success or love or peace and happiness on this earth. There's no ritual, no repeated prayer, no amount of mental strength or emotional will power, there's no counselor or therapist, no drug and no drink that can do what God can do with our lives. And there is no reason except that he loves us with such a great love that no one could grasp which inspired the sacrifice Christ made on the cross. To God be the glory for his promises:

"to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified." Isaiah 61:3

3 wrong words and YOU'RE OUT!

Usually I try not to write until I have come to the resolution of the current mind-battle I'm in. However, this time writing might be my only hope for some answers. I am trying to figure out something about men and romantic relationships that has gotten me to a very confused place. Part of the problem is that I have two counter-active things working at the same time. On one hand, I don't want to make the same mistakes I did in the beginning of my relationship with my ex husband. So I want to stick up for myself and not overlook any red flags or settle when I feel something is off. But on the other hand, I don't want to make the same mistakes I did later on by having too powerful and commanding of a "delivery" when I would express my dissatisfaction.  So I come to a loss, what is it that I'm meant to do moving forward in my mostly-uneventful romantic world?

Who's voice is it telling me something is off? Here's where I do have some insight. I do know that I know...that I KNOW I hear God's voice. That's a skill I've spent a long time developing. And recently I have learned that before I react to something that I feel is off, I HAVE TO pause and check whether or not I just got that from the Holy Spirit or from a jaded girl's mind who's been cut so very deep. If it's not from the voice of God, then there is not any reason to react to it......wow.... right now I'm hearing the Lord's wisdom on this.

What I have been doing instead of doing that internal "check" is reacting and expecting the person on the other end to give me the answer of whether or not it is truth. Wow, wow, wow! (Okay God, I get it). Their answer never satisfies because they haven't earned my trust yet. I can only trust God, especially in the beginning. And if I do that check and It is his voice, then it does not require my divulging it to the other party just simply listen to the Lord's direction. Alright, that was awesome, but I still have questions.

What about when you are in a time and trust-tested relationship? Then what? Am I supposed to point out the thing that I think is wrong? Or do I just hibernate in my room in prayer hoping for a perfect way to sneakily expose the issue covered in compliments while I stand there looking as pretty as possible? To me, that just sounds like a strange form of manipulation. But I don't know, am I wrong? I want to have a voice that is confident because God made me a woman of strong convictions and I want a husband who is stronger then me and can still feel like the leader when I am just being myself. Is it possible that a husband can love their wife enough to hear what she is saying and know it is truly coming from a place of love? Or does every man just hear criticism and disrespect which they use as a door into a isolated state as they chose to retract love from their woman?

There are two bible passages that seem to point me in either direction. One is in Ephesians 5: 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 
To me, this seems to describe the husbands role of perceiving his wife in a certain way which would allow him to hear her words as encouraging him to be a better man, rather then stepping on his toes.

And then there's 1 Peter chapter 3: 1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, ² when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
I would take from these verses that the way to a man's heart, especially if it's hard, is not with words but with what the following verses describe as a "gentle and quiet spirit."

So here I am, for the first time ever in my blog, truly asking for anyone else's insight on this. Men, how do you want to be talked to in a sensitive situation? Women, what are your experiences with this in your relationships? Everyone, what do you think God is trying to teach me in this seemingly gray area?