This will be the first blog post where I describe in detail the conversation I had with God that got me to my newest revelation. I know that those who know me well don't doubt or judge me because they now how long I've been like this, (having actual back and forth conversations with God) ; however, I realize that some people will find this slightly strange. All I can say to those people is that this doesn't have anything to do with me, I've just learned to hear God's voice and he really is a very involved and present God in my life and he really does talk back. I'll put my prayers and his responses in italics because his voice isn't audible, at least not in these times.
While driving the other day I caught myself imagining something terrible happening to me and Josh (my X) being driven to repentance because of it. I imagined, what if I just got hit by that truck and my kids were fine but I died? He'd have to take care of these babies, he'd need his parent's help, and he'd really be pushed into reality. Maybe it'd be worth it for my girls to have a father who is reconciled to God? ...No...no,no, no! I could never leave my girls! They need me and I need them. So I asked the Lord, God, why do I always think like that?! That's just awful! He said, because you know the power of sacrificial love, but Karen, you don't need to be crucified, I already did that. It's my love that leads a man to repentance. Would you want your daughters to die just to change someone else's spiritual future? I responded, no, I would take the bullet for them! And God said, exactly, I already took the bullet for you and for him. I don't want you to. That's what makes you a princess. Do you realize this concept plays a part in your love-life? I prayed, no, what do you mean? And then God really opened the blinds, all your life you have been looking for someone who knows me like you know me because it gives you security, but because you haven't been aware of the fact that you are a princess and a daughter of mine, you have put a priority on security far and above love. Don't you know I actually want you to be happy just as much as you want to serve me with your partner? I was blown away, wow God, I am so blessed by that.
What an amazing revelation. I have been looking for someone who can prove to me a strength in their relationship with God, which is still the most important thing, but it has become at the cost of love for me, which is totally unnecessary. I was actually putting love so far down the priority list because security was taken up all the room, that I was starting to forget about it! God was showing me that I can have someone who is totally purposed to live a life that gives him glory, but it is totally possible for us to be in love also. I don't have to settle for someone I don't love because I feel security in their faith; rather, I can have both love and faith. What a total blessing it is to know that God wants me to be blessed and happy and in love. Like he said, as much as I want to serve him, he actually wants to bless me because he loves me. And his love for his bride (the church) is an example of a passionate, miraculous, long-lasting, love and it is available for us to experience with our spouse here on earth. Thank you Jesus!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Netflix Nights
The days are easier but the nights are harder.That is the conclusion I came up with when posed the question, "what's harder; being single or being single with children?" It's a breeze from 6 am when I barely get enough time to drink a cup of coffee before the distractions begin and all the way up until 8:30 pm when the little ones go to sleep. Then it starts, two to three hours of total solitude.What to I do? Roll around in bed wondering why I'm still squeezing myself onto one side? Think about how strange it feels to not have someone to say goodnight to when I spent 5 years straight saying goodnight to the exact same person every single night? Hug all four my pillows at the same time?
I remember what it was like being lonely as a single person, it was all about curiosity. When you are single and never married or at least single without kids, you can spend time wondering who you're going to meet next time you're out because the chances of meeting someone are so much higher. You can wonder how many more first dates you're going to go on before you find someone who makes it all the way to the ball and chain and you can spend time putting yourself in situations that might make that possible. The curiosity wouldn't kill you because the hope of finding a companion came with an expectation of sooner than later.
With kids, it's all about them, especially when they're little like mine. I am either tending to one or two people all day everyday. There are 168 hours in a week and a total of roughly 9 hours of my week are spent awake and not tending to little people. Most of that "free" time is spent right after they go to sleep at night, and that's when all 159 of the other hours worth of needing me time hits me. I just did next to nothing for myself all day. I don't even get to go to the bathroom by myself and some of many of my showers are rushed to get back to a baby or two. But even with all that said, I still long to spend that time with someone else. I cannot escape the very loud silence that says, "you are alone." So far the only way I can pretend it's not true is to watch something on Hulu or Netflix reflecting people who aren't alone and see if I can live vicariously through a completely unrealistic facade on a screen. But it's not working.
With each new episode of the Bachelorette and every low-rated romantic comedy, it never fails the screen still leaves me alone. Proverbs 13:12 is accurate in saying, "hope deferred makes a heart sick." So what that tells me is it is time that I have to actually own this alone-ness. I have to soak in every emptiness, breathe in a desolate room, and totally accept the fact that this is really where God is allowing me to be right now. I'm sure some of you are thinking, you're not alone God is with you, but that just means you have not experienced the extreme isolated feeling that I'm talking about which comes from a drastic change in your life like divorce. I know that God is with me, it is true, and if it wasn't for him I'd be going crazy in those lonely moments; however, I am physically-speaking alone. And that is why I have resolved to acceptance. This is me for now; single mom, usually unappreciated, completely dedicated to giving my girls everything I can, independently abiding, and confident only in that God is good and he knows what I need.
I remember what it was like being lonely as a single person, it was all about curiosity. When you are single and never married or at least single without kids, you can spend time wondering who you're going to meet next time you're out because the chances of meeting someone are so much higher. You can wonder how many more first dates you're going to go on before you find someone who makes it all the way to the ball and chain and you can spend time putting yourself in situations that might make that possible. The curiosity wouldn't kill you because the hope of finding a companion came with an expectation of sooner than later.
With kids, it's all about them, especially when they're little like mine. I am either tending to one or two people all day everyday. There are 168 hours in a week and a total of roughly 9 hours of my week are spent awake and not tending to little people. Most of that "free" time is spent right after they go to sleep at night, and that's when all 159 of the other hours worth of needing me time hits me. I just did next to nothing for myself all day. I don't even get to go to the bathroom by myself and some of many of my showers are rushed to get back to a baby or two. But even with all that said, I still long to spend that time with someone else. I cannot escape the very loud silence that says, "you are alone." So far the only way I can pretend it's not true is to watch something on Hulu or Netflix reflecting people who aren't alone and see if I can live vicariously through a completely unrealistic facade on a screen. But it's not working.
With each new episode of the Bachelorette and every low-rated romantic comedy, it never fails the screen still leaves me alone. Proverbs 13:12 is accurate in saying, "hope deferred makes a heart sick." So what that tells me is it is time that I have to actually own this alone-ness. I have to soak in every emptiness, breathe in a desolate room, and totally accept the fact that this is really where God is allowing me to be right now. I'm sure some of you are thinking, you're not alone God is with you, but that just means you have not experienced the extreme isolated feeling that I'm talking about which comes from a drastic change in your life like divorce. I know that God is with me, it is true, and if it wasn't for him I'd be going crazy in those lonely moments; however, I am physically-speaking alone. And that is why I have resolved to acceptance. This is me for now; single mom, usually unappreciated, completely dedicated to giving my girls everything I can, independently abiding, and confident only in that God is good and he knows what I need.
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