In One Year

I have to take a moment and reflect on how great God is. It is only God who has the power to take something designed for evil and destruction and turn it into so much healing and beauty. It's been one year since my world turned upside down, yet in one year, I have grown more and been blessed more spiritually and physically then ever before.

When I say, "upside down" I mean UPSIDE DOWN. I was married to a man that I loved so much, the thought of heaven was fearful because I thought probably you're not married in heaven. We had a gorgeous spunky little one year old who we loved so  much we would lay down to go to bed and say to each other, "I love her" like it was a replacement for "goodnight." We had just bought a beautiful home that was so big; two stories, five bedrooms, two car garage, and just beautiful. AND we had recently found out that even through an IUD God had blessed us with another miracle baby! We had made so many awesome friends even though we'd only moved to Albuquerque a  year before. I didn't have to work and money was decent. We were about to start leading a marriage group for the second time. I thought we had.it.all...(hello pride!). And in the matter of one month, everything was ripped away, with the exception of Mikayla still growing inside me. In the matter of one second, everything I thought I knew was completely flipped upside down.

I remember that moment. It's something I'll never ever forget. I ran into a room where sleeping Natanya couldn't hear me and screamed, "GOD!!!!!!!" I can't even begin to describe the pain that strangled my heart in such an instant. I cried and cried uncontrollably. I held my shaking arms together and fell on my knees saying, "God, God, God," over and over again. If you've ever been gripped by tragedy in this way, you know what I'm talking about. It's that moment that changes everything at the knowledge of something so so bad. It's the beginning of a process of grief which is the hardest thing we can go through on this backwards planet. At some point you have no choice but to get off the floor. For me, it was hearing Natanya who usually wakes up singing, waking up crying. It's that point where you have get up and then you have to walk out what just happened for who knows how long. You have two choices if you want to survive, run to God, or run from him. I'm so glad I chose the first, even though for many of the following days it feels like he's the one who abandoned you. If you also have chosen the first, you know that you have to persevere like you never have before.

Perseverance. Wow, what a word. James 1:4 says, "let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be full and complete, not lacking anything." Have you ever really done this? It takes more time than you planned, more patience than you wanted to have, and more endurance than you thought you had. I'm in the middle of this still. But during this time, I have learned so much!

It's funny how so much truth can result from an exposure of a multitude of lies. Just to name a few of the big truths I picked up...I learned that I am NOT in control, and God may not seem to be right now, but ultimately his grace is still shown in his sovereignty. I learned that my girls are a blessing that makes me so rich, beyond anything I could ever lack. I learned that I don't have to suffer in loneliness and that loneliness is NOT worthlessness. I learned that God wants me to be happy as much as I want to serve him. I learned that what Christ did on the cross is so much bigger and more powerful and more important then the answer to whether or not I ever get remarried.

And even more good things have transpired! I have a closer relationship with my mom and sister. I have this miraculous relationship with my in-laws. I am pursuing a couple of really cool things to better myself and my girls and its so exciting! I have found so many things out about myself that I didn't even know existed. I really truly LOVE God and I love myself based on who he has made me to be.

In one year my world was flipped upside down, yet the sun rises brighter here. And God is still doing my "new thing."

empowered

That's the new me; empowered. I'm not lonely just because I'm alone anymore. I'm on fire! I never forgot my first love, but I have definitely stepped out of a place that kept us distant. In the past ten months I have been alone, romantically speaking, and It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to persevere through. However, I am encouraged now to keep going. I thought that the physical and emotional pain I was feeling was something I was forced to endure. Although I still believe this time will continue to be a time of endurance, I am no longer going to suffer in those lonely moments in such an immense way. It all changed when I realized that I was equating loneliness with abandonment, rejection, and more-so worthlessness. Being alone was being rejected and worthless, they were one in the same to me.

I thought that everyone felt that way when without a partner. I had no idea that I was believing a lie. This is just what being alone feels like, I thought. No, no it's not. I had met women who were so independent yet single and admired them; however, I assumed that they all just passed the solitude with meaningless flings to hold them over. Of course that is not an option for me, so I figured I was doomed to be depressed every evening until God knows when. Without realizing yet that I was believing a lie, I came to a cross roads. I could chose to persevere through this pain or find some way to camouflage the loneliness with some temporary kind of affection, anything to keep me alive. I am convinced that if I chose the latter, I would not have had the opportunity to come to the awareness that I did. And thank God he gave me these girls to make it impossible for me to chose the easy way out.

I made it known to those that love me that I was hurting, hurting really bad, and that I felt like I couldn't go on any longer like this. Once I got vulnerable with these issues, the truth was found. I tried to pull the thread and realized that loneliness has meant worthlessness for a long time! It goes all the way back to high school for me. And probably started to creep up in middle school when my friends first started to get boyfriends and talk about how many times they've kissed a guy. In high school especially when I was the one doing my friend's hair for the dances instead of going with anyone. I compared myself to my friends and I continued that insecure pattern until it became dormant when I got married. And then now, I was comparing myself to other mom's who's husbands didn't leave them. It's an ugly thing that Satan does when he rubs it in your face like that, but he can't do it if you don't let him. He has to convince you first that you are less than them because of what you don't have. Once you start believing that, you forget that your worth is so much greater than simply loved by a man or men or people for that matter. Then you forget that you are loved by God.

I feel so empowered. I am alone, but I am loved and there is no one to distract me of that right now, and that is okay. In fact, it's great. Well maybe not great all the time, haha, but It is not death!