In early 2012, I asked my counselor what he thought of my close relationship with my soon to be ex In-laws. He said he thought it was really cool, but in his experience it would diminish as time goes on; As you become more of your own person, and especially if any parenting disagreements come up. I tried to imagine the what-ifs, but I couldn't foresee any disagreements outweighing the love we had for each other. And after spending five years as part of their lives, I figured wouldn't something like that have come up if was going to by now? So I continued to invest in the relationship I had with my ex's parents.
If you're already thinking, wow this is a weird agenda for all of you to maintain that kind of relationship, I'll explain. My dad was not involved in my life. My father in law is the only dad I've really had-had. And he is, hands-down, the most incredible father anyone could ever have. He is a sprit-filled warrior for God and will carry the heavy weight that only a Godly man knows how to carry for his family. And then there's Janele. I love my own mom, but my mother in law is so different and I learned more mothering tools from her then anyone or anything else. When I was married, we called them our best friends. No joke, we wanted to be just like them. When we bought our house I told them, it is because we want to love people like you love people that God has given us this house to do so. So before everything got really intense from the divorce, it was pretty amazing.
I was in the hospital that November of 2012 for appendicitis and had just learned that I would need surgery for the first time in my life. I was completely terrified. Even when I went to get the MRI I was on the verge of tears and shaking because I was so scared. The divorce was final by this point so the best description of each other we could think of was not in laws but "in loves." So my "father in love" (Brad) came into the room as my doctor started to describe what to expect medically. He could probably sense my fear and asked me, "who do you rely on when something is scary?" I responded, "this guy and that guy." I pointed up towards heaven and over towards Brad. It turned out the doctor was a Christian too and both men prayed over me. I would never have made it through that experience if it wasn't for him being there. There is not one person on earth who could have filled that role for me. As far as I was concerned, he HAD to be there and I didn't want anyone else. So the doctor and all the nurses we encountered that day got to hear the crazy story about how I was accompanied by not my father, not my grandfather, not my brother, not my father in law, but my ex husband's dad. We got such a kick out of their reactions and explaining to them the power of God's love working through all of us. But I distinctly remember coming out of anesthesia and muttering the first and only thing I could get out, "where's my dad?"
Throughout the divorce drama there was a lot more then simply "investing" in the relationship going on. Things got a lot more dramatic then I ever expected and It was not easy to always see my in laws as loving towards me. We all continued to try and just love each other through the mess. This began to build something stronger then we had before, but it came with such a high price for all of us. There was so much emotion and sensitivity coming from all different directions, yet trying to make life-changing decisions at the same time. It was like choosing to build a frozen yogurt store in the middle of an active volcano and knowing nothing about frozen yogurt or active volcanos. Sometimes it was because I took out my pain on them, sometimes it was because I misunderstood love towards their son as disrespect towards me, and sometimes it was because they were trying to navigate a completely unprecedented complication of the highest degree by loving me and loving my ex at the same time. In such a complicated mess, I became fearful that their intentions weren't to love me as sincerely as I'd thought. I carried hurt and fear from that so in January of 2013 I decided to step away and put some limitations on the relationship and distance between us.
I spent the next 9 months trying to figure out what the right relationship looked like. In a way this was a good time for me. I was able to be real about what I was really feeling and chose to protect myself. I had lost my voice while fighting for my marriage as my ex rejected me and felt really unprotected because of that. So I spent a lot of that time finding myself again. But I remained uncovered by a Godly father figure and thus unprotected still. So while finding my strengths, I also found all my lingering weaknesses still hanging around. During this time they respected my need for distance and continued to express how much they still loved me. I could see how much it hurt them for me to step away, and that was the worst part. But I couldn't forgo the best form of protection I felt I had, not even for my immense love for them and not even because I so HATED to hurt them.
Periodically as things would come up, we could still get together and try to hash all the hurt out. I needed to be able to be heard, really be heard. And they listened. And we prayed and cried and prayed and cried...and repeated that ...a LOT. Even in the middle of their injustice as they held out their hands and I pushed them away. I couldn't get back the moments that hurt me and they couldn't undo what was done. So I just took the time to grieve so I could trust again. As time went on, I began to realize it isn't time that builds trust when there's already been time invested, it just takes faith. Trust is staring at your mountain and choosing not to be afraid, but faith is choosing to climb up once again, even though you fell before.
So here I am, early 2014 and things are looking very different. There has been restoration not just with my "in loves" but also with my ex and even my ex and his wife. God has a lot more up his sleeve and I'm ready for it. I'm ready to get more kicks out of it. And I'm excited to see how The Lord will continue to teach me the value in family by choice and blood by tears.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Thank God for Self-Awareness
I was not expecting to get this revelation today! I am working on a few self-awareness issues right now and It was like I made one decision of obedience towards God recently, and all of this was waiting right around the corner for me.
I don’t consider
myself to be someone with Daddy issues. I don’t have any resentment towards him
or feel sad ever by things that happened in my childhood. So I was confused at
the proposal that I was still making up for issues with him in my dating life.
However, it became undeniable when I found myself repeating the same thing that
happened with my ex-husband. And in the book I am going through with my connect
group, we are learning about your limbic system and how it is developed and
planted in childhood. I could now see how issues from my childhood could be
playing a subconscious role.
I began to dig and dig and ask God over and over to take me
down this road. I was also confused because I couldn’t figure out why I both
wanted to protect myself as well as find someone who would be quick to go “deep”
in connection. It felt like I had two opposing forces both doing opposite
things but trying to reach the same goal; finding love. Nevertheless, I
continued to ask God. And so he told me:
My source of fear being abandonment was created by the
memory of my father not being there, my adaptation was to find someone who would
be too close. Someone who I subconsciously figured wouldn’t leave because they revered
me as heavenly. The problem with that is men who put me on a pedestal are by
default indulgent. That kind of person is more likely to be deceptive also
and/or disregard godly boundaries in the way they treat me. My other source of
fear was betrayal. This was created by the memories of my father being a
pathological liar. Because I have that underlying fear, I would still try and
protect myself by being secretively judgmental. “But out of the abundance of
the heart, the mouth speaks…” and so I am historically condemned to be too
critical or jump to conclusions. So that’s where I’ve been; too protective of
myself to believe the best in someone or be at peace trusting God is protecting
me. I was in that downward spiral not only because I have been fearful of
betrayal but also because I have been habitually drawn to people of passion of
whom I will discern deception. An absolute double-edged sword!
What freedom it is to be aware of this finally. Now I will
break off the chains of fear of betrayal and fear of abandonment. Thank you
Jesus for carrying all of this and more for me.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Birthing the Generations
"They said the baby stopped breathing, I mean she started breathing before they got her out, but she stopped breathing so they had to take her out," a mother's explanation for why she had a C section on an episode of MTV's 16 and Pregnant. The baby stopped breathing? Really? So obviously I get that this is what the hospital staff told her to quickly get on her level. They meant that the baby's heart rate dropped and so looked in distress, but they found that her heart rate went back up, yet took her out via cesarean anyways. They must have known to do this because she went in the hospital with labor pains that weren't considered active labor and she was only 38 weeks pregnant, but all they had to say was, "I think we should go ahead and have this baby today," and she unknowingly agreed to a snowball of interventions. And here's the thing that really ticked me off, her mother was with her the whole time!
Doulas know, birth has not been a topic of major focus between women and girls for generations. This has GOT to change. We are vessels for miracles and generally speaking, we don't even know how it works! So I decided to do my own personally exploration of why this is.
I started with my mother, (whom by the way birthed 5 children, none of which came with an epidural). "Mom, why didn't you tell me what is was like to give birth?" my mom's response, "well you never asked." Okay, true...I'll take some responsibility, but why didn't I ask? Before I had my first I went to an OBGYN and I asked her what I needed to do to have a natural birth. She told me it was really difficult but I could do it with much preparation. So I figured, Okay, preparation, I'll read my book What to Expect When Expecting and I'll watch A Baby Story on TV. Needless to say, that was NOT the preparation I needed. With my next child I knew what to expect from experience. I knew that Pitocin was NOT going to happen, no way, I wouldn't allow that again. I also knew that I needed a constant source of close, connected, knowledgeable support, which I now knew was NOT a nurse but a Doula. So I considered the fact that I was a product of the current culture, using popular media for information. Then I went back to my mom, "Okay mom, If I had asked, what would you have said?" she responded, "You're not in labor until you can't do ANYTHING else but focus on your breathing." The most simplest and powerful labor-truth I could tell anyone, she just told me...after I had my kids. "Mom, our OBs and Midwives are telling pregnant women that they're in labor when they have a certain number of contractions in a certain amount of time." she repeated, "No, you have to distract yourself until you just cant anymore." And then I asked, "Mom if I told you I wanted an unmedicated birth what would you have told me?" her simple truth, "you have to breathe." So our mothers know! But we're just not talking about it with them.
Then I dug deeper wondering if it was just my generation who was too distracted by media to go straight to the source. "Mom did you ask your mother how to give birth?" she answered, "No, I went to Lamaze class because someone suggested it." Okay, so my mom educated herself in a good way, she just didn't rely on other women, per say. Maybe the media-issue was selective. So then I went to my grandmother.
"Grandma, did you ask your mom how to give birth?" she answered, "No, I thought birth was fast and easy because it just so happened that that's how I was born. Little did I know my water would break first with no labor pains and I would end up needing drugs." WHAT?! My grandmother's first birth was the same as my first birth! She went on, "I thought when your water breaks you go right in, but when I got there they laughed at me saying, 'your not really in labor'." Unbelievable, I thought. I shared my story about how I got to the hospital thinking the same thing with my first and they laughed at me saying it wasn't really my water...only to see later that it was more of my water all over their floor. So she explained that with her second, she had figured out from experience she had to learn how to do the breathing. The funny thing is, her "second," was really, unknowingly then, her second and third! She had twins vaginally and totally drug free. Now it became clear, if we were sharing our birth stories throughout the generations...and not just one generation...we would be totally preparing our daughters and granddaughters for birth.
Now it started to become clear that young women today look to the media because there is a long history of not getting what they need from having those conversations with their birthing warrior predecessors. So I picked at the issue more with my grandma, "Did your mom talk about it with her mom?" she laughed, "Of course not, you just don't talk about that sort of thing." She thought about it for a moment and went on, "well If I had asked my mother and she had asked her mother I'm sure they both would have shared, but I didn't ask and I'm sure she didn't ask either." So I tried to clarify, "So grandma, was it more of an issue of modesty? Or an issue of lack of relationship?" She answered, "the relationship." My grandma's mother was a flapper in the 20s. She was a little disconnected from motherhood and womanhood, (pretty telling of the feminist times). And so my grandma did not have the open-trusting relationship with her mom which she did need.
Now I'm looking at our American history. I'm seeing that there was something about the 1920s that inspired women to really begin to change their roles. And there was something before that which had to have played some kind of part in their desire to do such. They were already not getting what they needed from their mothers. I'm sure if I looked a little closer in history, not being able to ask my great great grandmother, I would find those answers. But the point is not to point fingers. The point is IT'S TIME TO CHANGE. We have to be able to maintain a relationship with our daughters that inspires the conversations about birth. Otherwise, if it continues the way it is now, it is no longer us women who birth the generations. It is a pair of hands under surgical knives telling us our bodies are not capable of doing it.
I loved reading this encouraging perspective by a Doula Hero in our community
http://rosiedoula.blogspot.com/2012/10/a-birth-revolution.html?m=1
Doulas know, birth has not been a topic of major focus between women and girls for generations. This has GOT to change. We are vessels for miracles and generally speaking, we don't even know how it works! So I decided to do my own personally exploration of why this is.
I started with my mother, (whom by the way birthed 5 children, none of which came with an epidural). "Mom, why didn't you tell me what is was like to give birth?" my mom's response, "well you never asked." Okay, true...I'll take some responsibility, but why didn't I ask? Before I had my first I went to an OBGYN and I asked her what I needed to do to have a natural birth. She told me it was really difficult but I could do it with much preparation. So I figured, Okay, preparation, I'll read my book What to Expect When Expecting and I'll watch A Baby Story on TV. Needless to say, that was NOT the preparation I needed. With my next child I knew what to expect from experience. I knew that Pitocin was NOT going to happen, no way, I wouldn't allow that again. I also knew that I needed a constant source of close, connected, knowledgeable support, which I now knew was NOT a nurse but a Doula. So I considered the fact that I was a product of the current culture, using popular media for information. Then I went back to my mom, "Okay mom, If I had asked, what would you have said?" she responded, "You're not in labor until you can't do ANYTHING else but focus on your breathing." The most simplest and powerful labor-truth I could tell anyone, she just told me...after I had my kids. "Mom, our OBs and Midwives are telling pregnant women that they're in labor when they have a certain number of contractions in a certain amount of time." she repeated, "No, you have to distract yourself until you just cant anymore." And then I asked, "Mom if I told you I wanted an unmedicated birth what would you have told me?" her simple truth, "you have to breathe." So our mothers know! But we're just not talking about it with them.
Then I dug deeper wondering if it was just my generation who was too distracted by media to go straight to the source. "Mom did you ask your mother how to give birth?" she answered, "No, I went to Lamaze class because someone suggested it." Okay, so my mom educated herself in a good way, she just didn't rely on other women, per say. Maybe the media-issue was selective. So then I went to my grandmother.
"Grandma, did you ask your mom how to give birth?" she answered, "No, I thought birth was fast and easy because it just so happened that that's how I was born. Little did I know my water would break first with no labor pains and I would end up needing drugs." WHAT?! My grandmother's first birth was the same as my first birth! She went on, "I thought when your water breaks you go right in, but when I got there they laughed at me saying, 'your not really in labor'." Unbelievable, I thought. I shared my story about how I got to the hospital thinking the same thing with my first and they laughed at me saying it wasn't really my water...only to see later that it was more of my water all over their floor. So she explained that with her second, she had figured out from experience she had to learn how to do the breathing. The funny thing is, her "second," was really, unknowingly then, her second and third! She had twins vaginally and totally drug free. Now it became clear, if we were sharing our birth stories throughout the generations...and not just one generation...we would be totally preparing our daughters and granddaughters for birth.
Now it started to become clear that young women today look to the media because there is a long history of not getting what they need from having those conversations with their birthing warrior predecessors. So I picked at the issue more with my grandma, "Did your mom talk about it with her mom?" she laughed, "Of course not, you just don't talk about that sort of thing." She thought about it for a moment and went on, "well If I had asked my mother and she had asked her mother I'm sure they both would have shared, but I didn't ask and I'm sure she didn't ask either." So I tried to clarify, "So grandma, was it more of an issue of modesty? Or an issue of lack of relationship?" She answered, "the relationship." My grandma's mother was a flapper in the 20s. She was a little disconnected from motherhood and womanhood, (pretty telling of the feminist times). And so my grandma did not have the open-trusting relationship with her mom which she did need.
Now I'm looking at our American history. I'm seeing that there was something about the 1920s that inspired women to really begin to change their roles. And there was something before that which had to have played some kind of part in their desire to do such. They were already not getting what they needed from their mothers. I'm sure if I looked a little closer in history, not being able to ask my great great grandmother, I would find those answers. But the point is not to point fingers. The point is IT'S TIME TO CHANGE. We have to be able to maintain a relationship with our daughters that inspires the conversations about birth. Otherwise, if it continues the way it is now, it is no longer us women who birth the generations. It is a pair of hands under surgical knives telling us our bodies are not capable of doing it.
I loved reading this encouraging perspective by a Doula Hero in our community
http://rosiedoula.blogspot.com/2012/10/a-birth-revolution.html?m=1
Friday, April 19, 2013
CLOSURE
I wish I could write even more openly then I already do in order to emphasize my point. I struggle with trying to protect others who are affected by my divorce and still giving God glory by describing what he's done in making something so bad a good, (if not better) thing. I'll do my best to use my life to help others, but if I don't anticipate all ripple effects of that, I apologize in advance. The thing to remember is that this life is really not about our own little lives, but about a God who is so great and high above yet he actually cares about each and every individual little life.
Recently I had one of those nights of wrestling with God that eventually ended up in a new revelation that made it even easier to really let things go. I think the hardest thing for me wasn't forgiveness, but closure. However, God said to me, "Karen, making the confusion of what Josh has done your problem is literally undoing the covering I have over you. It's taking yourself and your girls out of the place of protection that I have you." Even though I wasn't getting the reconciliation I needed, I realized I needed to live in safety and peace without understanding, clarity, or closure. It's been a pattern of mine to forfeit safety or peace for clarity. That revelation took me to a much higher level of emotional freedom. It was like my wings were tied by myself, I trusted God to untie them, and now I'm flying in happiness that myself and my girls are safe and have peace. I thought this was the highest point of healing I could possibly reach, but just when I thought I had all I needed, God gave me more.
The closure that I got was totally on accident. I wasn't looking for this piece of closure for myself regarding the divorce anymore. It actually came out while looking for reconciliation for something else. Josh and I were discussing how we could get to a better place working together as co-parents. I was explaining that we needed reconciliation when It came to his relationship with the girls. I couldn't be expected to completely trust him with their protection if there was no reconciliation with what has been done that has hurt them. To make a long story short, It came out quickly and kind of in passing that Josh heard something (from someone he looks to as a spiritual authority) that he translated as reason to file for divorce. It wasn't something that I would interpret as reason, and if interpreted that way it wouldn't even really line up with biblical truths. Yet it totally clicked in my head and gave me so much clarity, understanding and closure. So even if I described what It was, you (the reader) would be so confused as to why I would be okay with that dynamic. So I'll explain.
I could accept what he interpreted as a reason to do something wrong because I had done the same thing years before. In fact, it was the words of the same person that went in my ears, got twisted to satisfy my physical and fleshy desires, and totally changed the course of my life. In fact, that path-determination happened while I was dating Josh and it was the reason my relationship with him continued when it should have ended. I know I'm being so vague, and I apologize if this is all really hard to follow. The point is, all this understanding fell into place because of the fact that I could have compassion for him doing something wrong because in some way I had technically done the same thing so long ago.
I should make it very clear that divorce is still wrong. God hates it. Children are deeply effected by it for the rest of their life. Yet on this earth where our free will can result in some extremely pivotal life changing experiences, God can STILL work with our lives to bring us where he wants us. We just have to let him take the wheal. Plus, God knew the beginning and the end of this part of my life and he knew what I needed to hear because of it. It's actually blowing my mind and how God does this. I can't wrap my head around how he plans good for us when he knows what choices we're going to make. Amazing, amazing, God is so good! And this is the last post I write that has anything to do with the past. Here we go God! NEW THING!
Recently I had one of those nights of wrestling with God that eventually ended up in a new revelation that made it even easier to really let things go. I think the hardest thing for me wasn't forgiveness, but closure. However, God said to me, "Karen, making the confusion of what Josh has done your problem is literally undoing the covering I have over you. It's taking yourself and your girls out of the place of protection that I have you." Even though I wasn't getting the reconciliation I needed, I realized I needed to live in safety and peace without understanding, clarity, or closure. It's been a pattern of mine to forfeit safety or peace for clarity. That revelation took me to a much higher level of emotional freedom. It was like my wings were tied by myself, I trusted God to untie them, and now I'm flying in happiness that myself and my girls are safe and have peace. I thought this was the highest point of healing I could possibly reach, but just when I thought I had all I needed, God gave me more.
The closure that I got was totally on accident. I wasn't looking for this piece of closure for myself regarding the divorce anymore. It actually came out while looking for reconciliation for something else. Josh and I were discussing how we could get to a better place working together as co-parents. I was explaining that we needed reconciliation when It came to his relationship with the girls. I couldn't be expected to completely trust him with their protection if there was no reconciliation with what has been done that has hurt them. To make a long story short, It came out quickly and kind of in passing that Josh heard something (from someone he looks to as a spiritual authority) that he translated as reason to file for divorce. It wasn't something that I would interpret as reason, and if interpreted that way it wouldn't even really line up with biblical truths. Yet it totally clicked in my head and gave me so much clarity, understanding and closure. So even if I described what It was, you (the reader) would be so confused as to why I would be okay with that dynamic. So I'll explain.
I could accept what he interpreted as a reason to do something wrong because I had done the same thing years before. In fact, it was the words of the same person that went in my ears, got twisted to satisfy my physical and fleshy desires, and totally changed the course of my life. In fact, that path-determination happened while I was dating Josh and it was the reason my relationship with him continued when it should have ended. I know I'm being so vague, and I apologize if this is all really hard to follow. The point is, all this understanding fell into place because of the fact that I could have compassion for him doing something wrong because in some way I had technically done the same thing so long ago.
I should make it very clear that divorce is still wrong. God hates it. Children are deeply effected by it for the rest of their life. Yet on this earth where our free will can result in some extremely pivotal life changing experiences, God can STILL work with our lives to bring us where he wants us. We just have to let him take the wheal. Plus, God knew the beginning and the end of this part of my life and he knew what I needed to hear because of it. It's actually blowing my mind and how God does this. I can't wrap my head around how he plans good for us when he knows what choices we're going to make. Amazing, amazing, God is so good! And this is the last post I write that has anything to do with the past. Here we go God! NEW THING!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Becoming a Doula
Last night the words, "It's like the opposite of getting divorced," came out of my mouth at connect group in reference to how enjoyable this new journey is for me. My wonderful sisters all looked at me with smiles on their faces saying things like, "you were made for this," and "you're going to be a fantastic Doula." It meant the world to know that other people can see the same things I'm feeling; that this is me doing the right thing at the right time and God is so in it.
And man is God in it! I just got out of my Doula training on March 11th, that's 9 days ago, but already I have an interview with a mom tomorrow and another on Saturday. It absolutely FILLS my heart up with so much joy imagining being able to witness the miracle of birth for these women. I haven't even gone one night since class without dreaming about something to do with childbirth or my Doula role. I wake up excited about it, go throughout my day brainstorming what else I can do in preparation for these mommas, and lay down feeling at total peace about the future. And that is the opposite of getting divorced.
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy," Psalm 30:11.
There is no one like God, no one who can turn something intended for so much pain and really work it out for the good like he does. I know that I had to mourn and deal and heal through what I've been through to get to a place like this. I know that Its taken so much perseverance, trust, and faith that God would pull me out of such a difficult place... but I'm telling you, it's him who deserves the highest praise. There's no "secret" to an abundant life, no complicated formula to success or love or peace and happiness on this earth. There's no ritual, no repeated prayer, no amount of mental strength or emotional will power, there's no counselor or therapist, no drug and no drink that can do what God can do with our lives. And there is no reason except that he loves us with such a great love that no one could grasp which inspired the sacrifice Christ made on the cross. To God be the glory for his promises:
"to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified." Isaiah 61:3
And man is God in it! I just got out of my Doula training on March 11th, that's 9 days ago, but already I have an interview with a mom tomorrow and another on Saturday. It absolutely FILLS my heart up with so much joy imagining being able to witness the miracle of birth for these women. I haven't even gone one night since class without dreaming about something to do with childbirth or my Doula role. I wake up excited about it, go throughout my day brainstorming what else I can do in preparation for these mommas, and lay down feeling at total peace about the future. And that is the opposite of getting divorced.
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy," Psalm 30:11.
There is no one like God, no one who can turn something intended for so much pain and really work it out for the good like he does. I know that I had to mourn and deal and heal through what I've been through to get to a place like this. I know that Its taken so much perseverance, trust, and faith that God would pull me out of such a difficult place... but I'm telling you, it's him who deserves the highest praise. There's no "secret" to an abundant life, no complicated formula to success or love or peace and happiness on this earth. There's no ritual, no repeated prayer, no amount of mental strength or emotional will power, there's no counselor or therapist, no drug and no drink that can do what God can do with our lives. And there is no reason except that he loves us with such a great love that no one could grasp which inspired the sacrifice Christ made on the cross. To God be the glory for his promises:
"to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified." Isaiah 61:3
Friday, February 8, 2013
3 wrong words and YOU'RE OUT!
Usually I try not to write until I have come to the resolution of the current mind-battle I'm in. However, this time writing might be my only hope for some answers. I am trying to figure out something about men and romantic relationships that has gotten me to a very confused place. Part of the problem is that I have two counter-active things working at the same time. On one hand, I don't want to make the same mistakes I did in the beginning of my relationship with my ex husband. So I want to stick up for myself and not overlook any red flags or settle when I feel something is off. But on the other hand, I don't want to make the same mistakes I did later on by having too powerful and commanding of a "delivery" when I would express my dissatisfaction. So I come to a loss, what is it that I'm meant to do moving forward in my mostly-uneventful romantic world?
Who's voice is it telling me something is off? Here's where I do have some insight. I do know that I know...that I KNOW I hear God's voice. That's a skill I've spent a long time developing. And recently I have learned that before I react to something that I feel is off, I HAVE TO pause and check whether or not I just got that from the Holy Spirit or from a jaded girl's mind who's been cut so very deep. If it's not from the voice of God, then there is not any reason to react to it......wow.... right now I'm hearing the Lord's wisdom on this.
What I have been doing instead of doing that internal "check" is reacting and expecting the person on the other end to give me the answer of whether or not it is truth. Wow, wow, wow! (Okay God, I get it). Their answer never satisfies because they haven't earned my trust yet. I can only trust God, especially in the beginning. And if I do that check and It is his voice, then it does not require my divulging it to the other party just simply listen to the Lord's direction. Alright, that was awesome, but I still have questions.
What about when you are in a time and trust-tested relationship? Then what? Am I supposed to point out the thing that I think is wrong? Or do I just hibernate in my room in prayer hoping for a perfect way to sneakily expose the issue covered in compliments while I stand there looking as pretty as possible? To me, that just sounds like a strange form of manipulation. But I don't know, am I wrong? I want to have a voice that is confident because God made me a woman of strong convictions and I want a husband who is stronger then me and can still feel like the leader when I am just being myself. Is it possible that a husband can love their wife enough to hear what she is saying and know it is truly coming from a place of love? Or does every man just hear criticism and disrespect which they use as a door into a isolated state as they chose to retract love from their woman?
There are two bible passages that seem to point me in either direction. One is in Ephesians 5: 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
To me, this seems to describe the husbands role of perceiving his wife in a certain way which would allow him to hear her words as encouraging him to be a better man, rather then stepping on his toes.
And then there's 1 Peter chapter 3: 1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
I would take from these verses that the way to a man's heart, especially if it's hard, is not with words but with what the following verses describe as a "gentle and quiet spirit."
So here I am, for the first time ever in my blog, truly asking for anyone else's insight on this. Men, how do you want to be talked to in a sensitive situation? Women, what are your experiences with this in your relationships? Everyone, what do you think God is trying to teach me in this seemingly gray area?
Who's voice is it telling me something is off? Here's where I do have some insight. I do know that I know...that I KNOW I hear God's voice. That's a skill I've spent a long time developing. And recently I have learned that before I react to something that I feel is off, I HAVE TO pause and check whether or not I just got that from the Holy Spirit or from a jaded girl's mind who's been cut so very deep. If it's not from the voice of God, then there is not any reason to react to it......wow.... right now I'm hearing the Lord's wisdom on this.
What I have been doing instead of doing that internal "check" is reacting and expecting the person on the other end to give me the answer of whether or not it is truth. Wow, wow, wow! (Okay God, I get it). Their answer never satisfies because they haven't earned my trust yet. I can only trust God, especially in the beginning. And if I do that check and It is his voice, then it does not require my divulging it to the other party just simply listen to the Lord's direction. Alright, that was awesome, but I still have questions.
What about when you are in a time and trust-tested relationship? Then what? Am I supposed to point out the thing that I think is wrong? Or do I just hibernate in my room in prayer hoping for a perfect way to sneakily expose the issue covered in compliments while I stand there looking as pretty as possible? To me, that just sounds like a strange form of manipulation. But I don't know, am I wrong? I want to have a voice that is confident because God made me a woman of strong convictions and I want a husband who is stronger then me and can still feel like the leader when I am just being myself. Is it possible that a husband can love their wife enough to hear what she is saying and know it is truly coming from a place of love? Or does every man just hear criticism and disrespect which they use as a door into a isolated state as they chose to retract love from their woman?
There are two bible passages that seem to point me in either direction. One is in Ephesians 5: 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
To me, this seems to describe the husbands role of perceiving his wife in a certain way which would allow him to hear her words as encouraging him to be a better man, rather then stepping on his toes.
And then there's 1 Peter chapter 3: 1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
I would take from these verses that the way to a man's heart, especially if it's hard, is not with words but with what the following verses describe as a "gentle and quiet spirit."
So here I am, for the first time ever in my blog, truly asking for anyone else's insight on this. Men, how do you want to be talked to in a sensitive situation? Women, what are your experiences with this in your relationships? Everyone, what do you think God is trying to teach me in this seemingly gray area?
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
3 strikes
It sure is a "new thing" out there, only outside of my little bubble of a life, things are not being renewed in a good way. I went out with 8 amazingly beautiful women, most of which I used to party with way back when I was a pip squeak and a totally invincible eighteen year old. I have barely seen the nightlife since then. However, last Saturday I think I got more then my fair share. It was enough to keep me from it until further notice.
First we went to a place that was described to me as a "1920s feel -type place," so I'm thinking, is that like super classy old-school feel? No, wrong. The Pussy Cat Dolls, is a place oozing with lust. It makes no apologies for the total sex-ified room and women prancing around in almost nothing and shaking all that was exposed in the lime-light on stage. I watched men obviously stare at these women, looking at them like they were 100% objects. Yuck, I hate witnessing that grossness coming out of men's eyes. All I could do was think about my girls and how badly I hoped they'd never be okay with being used like this and also wonder how on earth I was ever okay with doing it myself back when I was 18. I wondered how society's erosion happens so exponentially fast. Then I felt bad for what could have been partially participating in the normalcy of go-go dancing.
Next we went to a place that I hoped would be more like what I remembered back in the day; just people having a good time dancing. Instead it was mostly just a huge room with different levels of people standing around and drinking. Obviously I shouldn't be that surprised about the drinking, but that wasn't the only thing that was outside of my lifestyle and convictions. There right next to me, again, so obviously done, a group of people were smoking weed. I remembered my sister telling me that this happens in clubs now because if a group of people are going to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars on bottles, they're going to get to do what they want and the owner will look the other way. But how did this happen in just about 7 or 8 years since I was out there? (Yes, I know, my party phase was younger then most's). Then I remembered that two states now have legalized the recreational use of marijuana.
On the way home we stopped one last time at the local Poway pub. And for those of you who don't know Poway, a small town with a small town pub is going to be exactly like you would expect. A mostly older crowd, everyone visibly more drunk then even your down-town dancers, just sitting there in total silence minus the loud music consisting of random old songs. But then, there's movement. Coming from a the fumbling bodies of a few young men and they move towards the few older women left in the bar at the late hour of 1:30am. I see all of them flirt uninhibitedly, clearly comforted by a lot of liquid courage. Liquid courage that takes them from that table or bar stool to each other's arms, then each other's lips, then they leave in pairs all within fifteen minutes after the exchange begins. Wow, I think to myself in disgust, for a third time that evening. I was hurting for these people who couldn't possibly be willing to do such things without something sad going on inside of them.
I think I must have described now the 3 strikes that made me "out" of the game. Even for my sincere love of dancing, even for the natural little wild goofy girl in me, even for my real need for time to let lose from the extremely demanding life I live of a single mother, I CAN NOT be out there watching this. It's not that I want to be unrealistic, and I'm not in denial as I cuddle with the cozy bubble walls. This bubble is actually a lot more dangerous considering I actually have to rely on faith that my endurance through this difficult time is going to take me to a place of fulfillment that will carry me through a much longer time then one evening of distraction here and there. It's not a comfortable place to embrace a time of loneliness, going day by day on an unseen hope that God knows what I need more then I do. But this verse has never lost it's power: Romans 5:3-5
"...also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
First we went to a place that was described to me as a "1920s feel -type place," so I'm thinking, is that like super classy old-school feel? No, wrong. The Pussy Cat Dolls, is a place oozing with lust. It makes no apologies for the total sex-ified room and women prancing around in almost nothing and shaking all that was exposed in the lime-light on stage. I watched men obviously stare at these women, looking at them like they were 100% objects. Yuck, I hate witnessing that grossness coming out of men's eyes. All I could do was think about my girls and how badly I hoped they'd never be okay with being used like this and also wonder how on earth I was ever okay with doing it myself back when I was 18. I wondered how society's erosion happens so exponentially fast. Then I felt bad for what could have been partially participating in the normalcy of go-go dancing.
Next we went to a place that I hoped would be more like what I remembered back in the day; just people having a good time dancing. Instead it was mostly just a huge room with different levels of people standing around and drinking. Obviously I shouldn't be that surprised about the drinking, but that wasn't the only thing that was outside of my lifestyle and convictions. There right next to me, again, so obviously done, a group of people were smoking weed. I remembered my sister telling me that this happens in clubs now because if a group of people are going to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars on bottles, they're going to get to do what they want and the owner will look the other way. But how did this happen in just about 7 or 8 years since I was out there? (Yes, I know, my party phase was younger then most's). Then I remembered that two states now have legalized the recreational use of marijuana.
On the way home we stopped one last time at the local Poway pub. And for those of you who don't know Poway, a small town with a small town pub is going to be exactly like you would expect. A mostly older crowd, everyone visibly more drunk then even your down-town dancers, just sitting there in total silence minus the loud music consisting of random old songs. But then, there's movement. Coming from a the fumbling bodies of a few young men and they move towards the few older women left in the bar at the late hour of 1:30am. I see all of them flirt uninhibitedly, clearly comforted by a lot of liquid courage. Liquid courage that takes them from that table or bar stool to each other's arms, then each other's lips, then they leave in pairs all within fifteen minutes after the exchange begins. Wow, I think to myself in disgust, for a third time that evening. I was hurting for these people who couldn't possibly be willing to do such things without something sad going on inside of them.
I think I must have described now the 3 strikes that made me "out" of the game. Even for my sincere love of dancing, even for the natural little wild goofy girl in me, even for my real need for time to let lose from the extremely demanding life I live of a single mother, I CAN NOT be out there watching this. It's not that I want to be unrealistic, and I'm not in denial as I cuddle with the cozy bubble walls. This bubble is actually a lot more dangerous considering I actually have to rely on faith that my endurance through this difficult time is going to take me to a place of fulfillment that will carry me through a much longer time then one evening of distraction here and there. It's not a comfortable place to embrace a time of loneliness, going day by day on an unseen hope that God knows what I need more then I do. But this verse has never lost it's power: Romans 5:3-5
"...also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
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