I was not expecting to get this revelation today! I am working on a few self-awareness issues right now and It was like I made one decision of obedience towards God recently, and all of this was waiting right around the corner for me.
I don’t consider
myself to be someone with Daddy issues. I don’t have any resentment towards him
or feel sad ever by things that happened in my childhood. So I was confused at
the proposal that I was still making up for issues with him in my dating life.
However, it became undeniable when I found myself repeating the same thing that
happened with my ex-husband. And in the book I am going through with my connect
group, we are learning about your limbic system and how it is developed and
planted in childhood. I could now see how issues from my childhood could be
playing a subconscious role.
I began to dig and dig and ask God over and over to take me
down this road. I was also confused because I couldn’t figure out why I both
wanted to protect myself as well as find someone who would be quick to go “deep”
in connection. It felt like I had two opposing forces both doing opposite
things but trying to reach the same goal; finding love. Nevertheless, I
continued to ask God. And so he told me:
My source of fear being abandonment was created by the
memory of my father not being there, my adaptation was to find someone who would
be too close. Someone who I subconsciously figured wouldn’t leave because they revered
me as heavenly. The problem with that is men who put me on a pedestal are by
default indulgent. That kind of person is more likely to be deceptive also
and/or disregard godly boundaries in the way they treat me. My other source of
fear was betrayal. This was created by the memories of my father being a
pathological liar. Because I have that underlying fear, I would still try and
protect myself by being secretively judgmental. “But out of the abundance of
the heart, the mouth speaks…” and so I am historically condemned to be too
critical or jump to conclusions. So that’s where I’ve been; too protective of
myself to believe the best in someone or be at peace trusting God is protecting
me. I was in that downward spiral not only because I have been fearful of
betrayal but also because I have been habitually drawn to people of passion of
whom I will discern deception. An absolute double-edged sword!
What freedom it is to be aware of this finally. Now I will
break off the chains of fear of betrayal and fear of abandonment. Thank you
Jesus for carrying all of this and more for me.
