The days are easier but the nights are harder.That is the conclusion I came up with when posed the question, "what's harder; being single or being single with children?" It's a breeze from 6 am when I barely get enough time to drink a cup of coffee before the distractions begin and all the way up until 8:30 pm when the little ones go to sleep. Then it starts, two to three hours of total solitude.What to I do? Roll around in bed wondering why I'm still squeezing myself onto one side? Think about how strange it feels to not have someone to say goodnight to when I spent 5 years straight saying goodnight to the exact same person every single night? Hug all four my pillows at the same time?
I remember what it was like being lonely as a single person, it was all about curiosity. When you are single and never married or at least single without kids, you can spend time wondering who you're going to meet next time you're out because the chances of meeting someone are so much higher. You can wonder how many more first dates you're going to go on before you find someone who makes it all the way to the ball and chain and you can spend time putting yourself in situations that might make that possible. The curiosity wouldn't kill you because the hope of finding a companion came with an expectation of sooner than later.
With kids, it's all about them, especially when they're little like mine. I am either tending to one or two people all day everyday. There are 168 hours in a week and a total of roughly 9 hours of my week are spent awake and not tending to little people. Most of that "free" time is spent right after they go to sleep at night, and that's when all 159 of the other hours worth of needing me time hits me. I just did next to nothing for myself all day. I don't even get to go to the bathroom by myself and some of many of my showers are rushed to get back to a baby or two. But even with all that said, I still long to spend that time with someone else. I cannot escape the very loud silence that says, "you are alone." So far the only way I can pretend it's not true is to watch something on Hulu or Netflix reflecting people who aren't alone and see if I can live vicariously through a completely unrealistic facade on a screen. But it's not working.
With each new episode of the Bachelorette and every low-rated romantic comedy, it never fails the screen still leaves me alone. Proverbs 13:12 is accurate in saying, "hope deferred makes a heart sick." So what that tells me is it is time that I have to actually own this alone-ness. I have to soak in every emptiness, breathe in a desolate room, and totally accept the fact that this is really where God is allowing me to be right now. I'm sure some of you are thinking, you're not alone God is with you, but that just means you have not experienced the extreme isolated feeling that I'm talking about which comes from a drastic change in your life like divorce. I know that God is with me, it is true, and if it wasn't for him I'd be going crazy in those lonely moments; however, I am physically-speaking alone. And that is why I have resolved to acceptance. This is me for now; single mom, usually unappreciated, completely dedicated to giving my girls everything I can, independently abiding, and confident only in that God is good and he knows what I need.
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