Thank God for Self-Awareness

I was not expecting to get this revelation today! I am working on a few self-awareness issues right now and It was like I made one decision of obedience towards God recently, and all of this was waiting right around the corner for me.

 

I don’t consider myself to be someone with Daddy issues. I don’t have any resentment towards him or feel sad ever by things that happened in my childhood. So I was confused at the proposal that I was still making up for issues with him in my dating life. However, it became undeniable when I found myself repeating the same thing that happened with my ex-husband. And in the book I am going through with my connect group, we are learning about your limbic system and how it is developed and planted in childhood. I could now see how issues from my childhood could be playing a subconscious role.

I began to dig and dig and ask God over and over to take me down this road. I was also confused because I couldn’t figure out why I both wanted to protect myself as well as find someone who would be quick to go “deep” in connection. It felt like I had two opposing forces both doing opposite things but trying to reach the same goal; finding love. Nevertheless, I continued to ask God. And so he told me:

My source of fear being abandonment was created by the memory of my father not being there, my adaptation was to find someone who would be too close. Someone who I subconsciously figured wouldn’t leave because they revered me as heavenly. The problem with that is men who put me on a pedestal are by default indulgent. That kind of person is more likely to be deceptive also and/or disregard godly boundaries in the way they treat me. My other source of fear was betrayal. This was created by the memories of my father being a pathological liar. Because I have that underlying fear, I would still try and protect myself by being secretively judgmental. “But out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks…” and so I am historically condemned to be too critical or jump to conclusions. So that’s where I’ve been; too protective of myself to believe the best in someone or be at peace trusting God is protecting me. I was in that downward spiral not only because I have been fearful of betrayal but also because I have been habitually drawn to people of passion of whom I will discern deception. An absolute double-edged sword!

What freedom it is to be aware of this finally. Now I will break off the chains of fear of betrayal and fear of abandonment. Thank you Jesus for carrying all of this and more for me.