CLOSURE

I wish I could write even more openly then I already do in order to emphasize my point. I struggle with trying to protect others who are affected by my divorce and still giving God glory by describing what he's done in making something so bad a good, (if not better) thing. I'll do my best to use my life to help others, but if I don't anticipate all ripple effects of that, I apologize in advance. The thing to remember is that this life is really not about our own little lives, but about a God who is so great and high above yet he actually cares about each and every individual little life.

Recently I had one of those nights of wrestling with God that eventually ended up in a new revelation that made it even easier to really let things go. I think the hardest thing for me wasn't forgiveness, but closure. However, God said to me, "Karen, making the confusion of what Josh has done your problem is literally undoing the covering I have over you. It's taking yourself and your girls out of the place of protection that I have you." Even though I wasn't getting the reconciliation I needed, I realized I needed to live in safety and peace without understanding, clarity, or closure. It's been a pattern of mine to forfeit safety or peace for clarity. That revelation took me to a much higher level of emotional freedom. It was like my wings were tied by myself, I trusted God to untie them, and now I'm flying in happiness that myself and my girls are safe and have peace. I thought this was the highest point of healing I could possibly reach, but just when I thought I had all I needed, God gave me more.

The closure that I got was totally on accident. I wasn't looking for this piece of closure for myself regarding the divorce anymore. It actually came out while looking for reconciliation for something else. Josh and I were discussing how we could get to a better place working together as co-parents. I was explaining that we needed reconciliation when It came to his relationship with the girls. I couldn't be expected to completely trust him with their protection if there was no reconciliation with what has been done that has hurt them. To make a long story short, It came out quickly and kind of in passing that Josh heard something (from someone he looks to as a spiritual authority) that he translated as reason to file for divorce. It wasn't something that I would interpret as reason, and if interpreted that way it wouldn't even really line up with biblical truths. Yet it totally clicked in my head and gave me so much clarity, understanding and closure. So even if I described what It was, you (the reader) would be so confused as to why I would be okay with that dynamic. So I'll explain.

I could accept what he interpreted as a reason to do something wrong because I had done the same thing years before. In fact, it was the words of the same person that went in my ears, got twisted to satisfy my physical and fleshy desires, and totally changed the course of my life. In fact, that path-determination happened while I was dating Josh and it was the reason my relationship with him continued when it should have ended. I know I'm being so vague, and I apologize if this is all really hard to follow. The point is, all this understanding fell into place because of the fact that I could have compassion for him doing something wrong because in some way I had technically done the same thing so long ago.

I should make it very clear that divorce is still wrong. God hates it. Children are deeply effected by it for the rest of their life. Yet on this earth where our free will can result in some extremely pivotal life changing experiences, God can STILL work with our lives to bring us where he wants us. We just have to let him take the wheal. Plus, God knew the beginning and the end of this part of my life and he knew what I needed to hear because of it. It's actually blowing my mind and how God does this. I can't wrap my head around how he plans good for us when he knows what choices we're going to make. Amazing, amazing, God is so good! And this is the last post I write that has anything to do with the past. Here we go God! NEW THING!