House and Home

I live in a house, but I don't have a home. I am on borrowed ground. I'm like a mother bird with baby chicks in someone else's nest, and not just another bird, an entirely different species of animal. It is strange that I feel like this living in my own mother's house, but we are so different it's really strange.

I am not forgetting to count my blessings, realizing that my children and I would have no place to go if it wasn't for my mom. She has been so kind to let me organize and clean things virtually from top to bottom of this place. She has listened when I have tried to explain what it means to have a spiritual covering over a home and she is probably trying to put protection as a higher priority. I am very blessed to be living with someone who is a Christian, God forbid I had to try and  nurture my very young babies somewhere where I couldn't even count on that fact. Nevertheless, I find myself so awkward here.

It's not just about cleanliness itself. It is so important that I teach my kids good habits and protect their curious little hands from getting into things, and trying to do that here battling my mom's habits is rough, but there's so much more to it. At first I thought it was just pride coming from a place where I really had the control and authority, or maybe some kind of natural womanly-nesting thing that made us all picky, or maybe my conflict was that I really am too type-A-ish. But recently I found the answer, and it's none of those. My need to create a home is so divinely inspired. I'll be careful to still check my pride and pickiness motives, but I know now that wanting to make a home my way is truly valuable.

A home is a piece of heaven. Heaven is where we get to go where there is no more pain or suffering any longer, and a home should serve as a temporary substitute. When I have the authority to prayerfully protect a house it becomes a home. When I can be the spiritual authority(or maybe one day a partner to one again) and cover it, who comes in and out, and what comes in and out, then it's a home. It's about creating a place where myself, my children, and anyone who visits can walk in and instantly feel at peace no matter what is going on outside the doors. And not just because there's not crumbs on the counter or stains on the sofa, but because they can temporarily look around and see a place without worry, strife, or injustice. I desire to make a place pretty because it should sooth a weary soul. I want a place for my kids where they can start and end their day in God's presence. There should be order not because it impresses anyone, but because it can contradict a chaotic world. There should be a higher standard of love and protection then anywhere else a resident could go.

I'm so grateful for knowing the Sousa family. I'm blessed to see how that home has been such an oasis to so many people. I am happy that now I know why and I am hopeful that God would give me again the chance to create that myself.