Mikayla Arrived

I left a LOT out and it's STILL so long! This is a birth story, TMI included, you have been warned...

Mikayla Love Sousa made a dramatic appearance February 22,2012. I'm still shocked that I stayed sane enough to deliver her naturally. On top of the pain of childbirth, I was dealing with the even heavier pain of rejection. How on earth could the man that I had built up such a powerful level of unconditional love for leave me because he believed I didn't love him well, that I never would, and because he'd already found someone else that did? Does the person I loved even exist? Has he ever been real? What have the last five years of my life been for? Answer, two beautiful baby girls. Natanya was conceived while I was on birth control after we'd only been married six months, and Mikayla some how made it into my womb through an IUD. I know that I'm meant to be their mom. I couldn't let their Dad take away the experience I always wanted; to bring a baby into the world by my own perseverance. Regardless of the emotional and spiritual battle I'd been in for months, I called my Doula to get ready to help me get this baby out without drugs.

I figured second kid, so labor should be much faster...wrong. After weeks of false labor, I began timing contractions again at 6:00pm on February 21st. They weren't more then ten minutes apart at first but they didn't stop for over three hours, so I left Natanya at "Nenes." I kept track of contractions for another 3 hours before I decided to ask the Doula to come over. Before she arrived, two of my girl friends got there and we went on a long walk. Megan and I laughed because the other time we went on one of these late-night-labor walks I didn't have to stop and waddle, this time it was real. Lucretia timed the contractions, 4 minutes every time. By this time I had texted, called, and even sent a picture of my contraction-timing sheet to Josh, no reply. My Doula, Katie, arrived and helped me with the contractions that were a little more painful, but for the most part, they weren't progressing in pain-level or quickness. Around 3 am I sent the girls on their way and it was just me and the wonderful Doula...all...night...long. We noticed quickly that my contractions slowed if I sat, so I stood, walked, and squatted THE WHOLE time. By morning my mom jumped in with her way of helping; food, coffee, and more food.

Around 6am I figured it'd be nice to know how much I progressed so we went to the hospital. On the way to the car my mom said something like,"I hope they don't send her home," the thought hadn't even crossed my mind...of course I'm at LEAST 5 centimeters, I'd been in labor for 12 hours already....wrong again. I was 2, yes 2, what I had been at my last Dr's apt. An entire night of labor and literally no progress. Yes, I cried. They gave me two options, go home or break my water. Katie asked me if there was anything emotionally holding me back. She figured something unresolved with the whole divorce thing. No, I was prepared to do this alone. I was sad, of course, but I had been praying a lot about being "ready." But I quickly realized a different mind game was being played. I was 4 days overdue, I had tons of false labor, I was beginning to doubt my body's ability to do it. I sat up on the hospital bed and pulled it together. "I'm going to trust God," I said, "lets go home."

When we got back home it was 9am and we went on another long walk. Up and down the neighborhood's hills, my mom, Katie, and I went. We discussed in depth how much labor is like our walk with God, and especially the current challenge in my faith; not fearing, trusting him, and letting go of control. By 12pm I decided to do the thing I was previously fearing most, rest. I said, "ok God, I really need sleep, I'm not going to fear that this will suddenly stop my labor and I'll be pregnant for ever." I actually did fall asleep! I woke up an hour later, walked around a bit and realized my contractions were still the same in time and pain as the whole time before. So I figured I'd given it 110% it was time to get a little God-given medical help. I woke Katie up and told her I wanted to back and have them break my water. By this time Josh had called and said he wanted to come the next day. I didn't want him there for the labor because I knew it would be too emotionally challenging to see him and give birth without drugs. He knew that, but I still thought he'd get there as quickly as possible and hold her as soon as she was born.

At 2:30 pm my water was broken. I stood up and BOOM there was that level of pain I was looking for. Katie and I walked the halls for a few hours, I had to hold onto something and groan with each contraction. I tried to make it to the end of the hall each time, but sometimes I stopped right in front of the nurses at the desk. I hoped they weren't too grossed out. All the other moms that day must have been quietly enjoying their sweet little epidurals. My legs and feet became so sore and I just could not be on them anymore. I got on the bed standing on my knees and leaning onto the top of the bed (that was upright and shaped more like a chair at this time). I rested my head and arms on the bed and swayed my hips, trying to keep gravity on my side, this is when things began to get ugly.

By this time I had long passed the pain level that I decided to have an epidural with Natanya's labor. All of the sudden I felt an immense pressure and I almost dipped as if to stop the baby from falling out, (obviously that wasn't going to happen but the feeling of her dropping was so strong). The nurse checked me, I was 7 centimeters. I was OVER IT. "I won't be mad" I said to my mom and Katie. They had to ask me what I meant but I could barely get more than a word or two out at a time, "epidural,"..."I'm so tired." But within 15 or 20 minutes I learned that it was too late. I was dilating too fast and I was relieved. I was going to do this! I was going to actually give birth the way I wanted to! I could endure this pain, just like I could endure the pain of losing so much in my life the months prior. This was a pain that I needed to endure to get to something greater, a baby. Just like the pain of my husbands decision to leave, I had to work through it because I couldn't control it. Perseverance builds character and hope, and the outcome is "a new thing."

At 6pm I was fully dilated and ready to push, but my doctor wasn't there yet. They couldn't find her for 15 minutes. I would have been upset but I was in the middle of trying to figure out how to not scream. My arms were flailing, I couldn't breathe, the "heeheehoohoo" thing did have a purpose after all 'cause without it I could have passed out from not taking in any oxygen. Now that's pain, too painful to talk, too painful to breathe, too painful to focus on pushing her out. Most of the time I could only let out a scream as I felt the pain take over my body. The doctor got there and the nurse said sternly, "ok, no more screaming, push your baby out, focus!" I did it! I focused on the pain, I embarrassed it, I felt Mikayla come out in two more pushes, head, than shoulders. She was born at 6:27pm. Over 24 hours of labor! Woo!

"Oh baby baby baby" I said to my beautiful girl. Wow, how much I loved her in that instant. I found myself saying, "I can't believe she's really here!" I guess I still had a little doubts about my being able to do it, but that's where God comes in. His peace and his presence, his help through my mom and Katie, and his love for me got her out too.

Mikayla Love Sousa. She is such a beautiful baby. Nursing is going much better this time around. Sleep is too, but she's still a new born and I'm still raising two children under the age of 2 without a partner. It's not easy, but I have learned; trust God, do not fear. I still look at her sometimes in disbelief that she really is here. I didn't have the time to obsess about her like I did with Natanya's pregnancy. Mikayla just came regardless of the circumstances around her, and she will continue to overcome all her life. I'm still praying that God teaches me to be the best mom these girls could ever have. There's a lot of pain to work through still, but I keep my trust in the fact that God is doing a new thing.